Friday, August 6, 2010

Exciting stuff!

My husband and I have been struggling with potty training our 3 year-old son, Timothy. We would go back and forth between undies and pull-ups and utter frustration. I really think we were confusing the poor kid.

Yesterday we had to go buy more pull-ups. I always hate doing this because even the off brands are expensive. With a huge sigh, I purchased the Target brand pull-ups (my fav) and said to myself... I will only use these at night.

Now, I have said this before, but always ended up putting him in pull-ups all day. Essentially they were just another diaper (they had a jazzier name though). But yesterday I stuck to it! I took him out of his pull-up when we got home and told him, "You are a big boy, so I am going to put you in underwear. You know what that means, right?" To which he replied, "I have to go pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty." OK, concept down.

I was hesitant. I even got the rug cleaner out to clean up accidents. I kept asking him, "do you have to go potty?" The answer was always the same... NO! But he didn't have an accident.

Later that day, I was folding laundry and I heard the bathroom door open. I peeked around the corner to see who it was. It was Timmy. I didn't want to scare him, so I stayed where I was and listened in case he needed me. I heard him lift the toilet seat (excitement) and then pee!!! OMG. I waited until he was done and walked over to him, got down on one knee and said... "I am SO proud of you. You went pee-pee all by yourself. You are such a big boy." He looked at me and smiled and said "I am a big boy." I swear he gave me the biggest hug. It was definitely a proud mommy moment.

The rest of the day he didn't have a single accident. I really think that he is getting the hang of it. And with mommy and daddy's support he will get very confident in his ability.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Day 1: Perfect Wife

So, I barely got through half of my list today. I took the kids to the park with my best friend and that was a lot of fun. She always seems to ground me. I can let everything out and she won't just agree with me, but give me something constructive that I can work with.

I made it home from the park before my husband got home for lunch and was able to make lunch by the time he walked in the door. I did the dishes (well.... the big stuff /blush) and some of the laundry.

Here come my excuses:

I didn't sleep well last night. I ended up having to take something to fall asleep, but that wasn't until 3am. I woke up at about 7:30 and fed the kids and we went to the park. When we got home... I took a nap. Just saying it makes me realize how much I could have gotten done during that nap.

Eventually I will get over this and write about something else ;)

Mission Possible?: Become a PERFECT Wife...

Ok. I am not entirely sure this is possible, but I am going to try to become the "perfect wife." That's right! Perfect. The only problem is, I am not sure what that entails. So, I open the floor to all of you.

Here is my background... I have a full time job, but I work at night so I can maintain the household and take care of the kids. I manage the money and do most of the cooking.

I know perfection isn't going to happen overnight. So, here are my goals for tomorrow:

1. Deep Clean the kitchen and bathrooms.
2. Dishes
3. Laundry
4. Take the kids to the park
5. Make lunch and have it ready when my husband walks in the door for his lunch break
6. Make dinner and have it cooking when my husband gets home and I leave for work
7. Put up the shelves in my bedroom
8. Flirt via text with my hubby all day to make him feel special

That is all I have so far... I hope I can fit it in and stay sane.  I will follow-up tomorrow night and let you know how it goes.

In case you are curious about what brought this on... my husband and I had the oddest fight today. It really wasn't even a fight, it was just him being insecure. So, I feel guilty because he thinks he isn't enough of a man for me. Of course I tell him he is more than enough (which is true) and that I love him with all of my heart. Then I think, maybe I am not enough of a woman. I know I have talked about this before, but it is one of those things that just gets under my skin and bugs me. I CAN be doing more, therefore, I SHOULD be doing more.

Everyday my hubby gets home and I can see the look of disappointment on his face because the house isn't clean. Sometimes I want to SCREAM at him that I work the same number of hours that he does, and I do it at night. I wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and spend all day with the kids before I have to go to work. Then I stop and realize, I have to be awake anyway so, I should be doing more around the house. I just can't seem to find the motivation. I would rather read a book, play with my kids, or watch TV.

The other thing that annoys me is that there are women out there who do it all. There are full time career women who make it home, make dinner, clean the house and read their kids books, have time to look gorgeous and then have crazy, passionate sex with their husbands. What are they on?! and how do I get some? Or are they just more motivated than I am? And if so, how do I motivate myself?

So, this is where this mission came from. I hope I find the motivation and energy I need.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Writer's Block

Normally I have things in my day that will inspire me to write... I haven't had anything in 2 weeks!!! I don't know what is going on. I know I have been busy, but usually something will happen that will give me an idea.

So, I am just writing to write at this point :) Hoping that inspiration will come.

If you ever take a writing class one of the exercizes they make you do is an exercize where you just write, you keep writing until something comes to you.

This is my attempt....


Thursday, June 10, 2010

When I grow up...

When you are a kid you think of what you want to be when you grow up. The possibilities are endless.... A rock star, doctor, lawyer, PR exec... Then adulthood comes and the possibilities are not so endless. I work for an insurance company. No one ever says, "When I grow up I want to work in Property and Casualty insurance answering peoples stupid questions all day." I have never heard anyone utter that phrase, but here I am. It is a good job. Benefits are good and the pay is good as well. So, it helps me provide for my family. But what about providing for my soul? OK, I know how cheesy that sounds, but it's what I am feeling right now.

I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up... and I am already grown up. Before I had kids I thought about going into PR. I went to culinary school, thought about becoming a nurse. I am all over the place. I  take those online career assessment tests all of the time. I really don't think those work. They keep pointing me back to Accounting or Finance. Those are things I am good at, not passionate about.

When we get to a certain age, is it time to stop dreaming? Do we have to take what we have and just live with it? Or is my dream still out there waiting to be realized? And if it is out there, what is it? How do I find it and when does it start?

Saturday, May 29, 2010


I want to preface this by saying I think ALL relationships fall into this type of situation. I love my hubby and I am very happy. This is just something I have been thinking about lately.

Are relationships really equal? We are supposed to be partners. Partners that share all responsibility 50/50, right? I have yet to meet a relationship that is like that. There is always one person that gives more than the other. No offense to the men out there, but it seems to be the women that compromise themselves more.

Marriage is difficult. It needs to be worked at, but when one person is doing so much and the other seems to be not doing as much is that how it should be?

For example, in my marriage... My husband and I both work full time jobs. I work at night until 1 AM so we can avoid paying childcare. I then have to wake up at 7 AM to get my daughter to school, feed the kids, take the dog out etc. I stay home with my son all day, do the laundry, dishes, make dinner (most nights), take the dog out again, work in the garden... the list goes on and on.

My husband gets home at 4:30 PM. I usually have dinner started or close to done. He has to feed the kids and put them in bed for the night. This hardly seems like a 50/50 situation. But I do it... WE do it. It works for us. I also balance the checkbook and pay all the bills. My husband will openly admit that if I died he would have no idea what our bills are.

Maybe it is an ALPHA dog situation... there can only be one.

As a woman though am I molding my husband to know I will just do everything? For example, the laundry... I HATE putting laundry away. It is the bane of my existence. So, my hubby and I do a little dance. I will wash all the laundry and put it on the floor beside the bed on HIS side. There it sits sometimes for weeks. He says he will put it away, but it never happens. He knows that I will eventually break down and do it... and I ALWAYS do. Why do I torture myself with unfolded/unhung laundry for weeks when I know I will do it anyway? Did I do this to myself because I pampered my husband? Have I created this habit?

The other side of the coin is ME. Am I giving things up to handle all of this? Should I delegate some of this responsibility to him? Would I be able to spend more time with my kids? Take up a hobby? And if I could delegate would I just let him do it? Or would I micro-manage him?

I wish there was an easy answer to this...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Complete Frustration...

The day started like any other... birds chirping, kids screaming... the usual. I thought to myself today is going to be a good day. I can relax a little in the morning. Get Katy off to school. Timmy and I will hang out, do the laundry and dishes all that good stuff.

It started out OK. Then it seemed to get progressively worse. The catalyst to the bad day was when my son decided he needed to have some yogurt. Not just any yogurt, but the yogurt behind a whole bunch of other stuff in the fridge. Of course he didn't tell me he wanted any yogurt. I was changing the laundry over in the other room when I heard water. Why am I hearing water?! I run into the kitchen, and it isn't water. It is a 2 quart pitcher full of juice spilling all over the inside of my fridge and on my floor. Timmy is standing there dumbfounded. I scream at him (which I will admit now was a little harsh, but WTF?!). He starts to cry because I yelled and because he is  dripping with orange juice. Ok... step one, get some f-ing towels and attempt to clean up the juice from the floor, I can deal with the fridge later. Shit! It is under the fridge. Ok, no clue how to deal with that, put it on the back burner. Step 2, get the screaming kid to calm down and get in the bathtub. Of course this takes a millennium because he is sopping wet and doesn't like to touch his wet clothes. Disrobe, waters too hot, adjust, waters too cold, ok just right. Pour in some bubbles... "I DON'T WANT BUBBLES!!!" Ok, scope out the bubbles. Step 2 complete. Step 3 back to the kitchen while kid is in tub (bad mommy left him in there alone, he would splash if he were drowning right?). Three full size bath towels soaked in juice. I swear it was only 2 quarts! Check on the boy, grab the mop, run some hot water and mop up the floor.

By this point I don't even want to look in the fridge. My hubby is due home for lunch soon, got to heat that up, get Timmy out of the tub and dressed. So, I do that and make lunch. My husband walks in and I don't remember the first thing I said, but I was so pissy by that point I am sure it wasn't nice. We eat lunch, Paul leaves. Ok, play with Tim get him tired then nap... that's all I have to do and then I can clean out the sticky fridge.

Luckily, the rest of my day went smoothly, but I never got my attitude turned around. That small event changed my attitude for the whole day. Thinking about it now it still makes me a little upset. Why can't my son listen to me and not get into the fridge. He knows he is supposed to ask. BUT he is 3 (will I still be saying this when he is 4?).

When my daughter got home from school. She came into the kitchen, helped me unload the dishwasher, and helped me clean out the 2 remaining shelves I had to do in the fridge. She was very helpful and I am grateful.

Man! It feels good to get that off my chest :)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fall in love all over again…

Today my family went to see the 4th Shrek movie. It was very cute and entertaining like all the others. But this one seemed to hit a little closer to home for me and my hubby. Sorry if this spoils the movie for anyone… The plot of the story is Shrek is frustrated by his life, he doesn't know who he is anymore (Amen Shrek!). So, he has a bad day and has a fight with his wife. He runs in to Rumpelstiltskin and drinks too much, ends up signing a contract to change one day of his life. Basically, it ends up being like "It’s a wonderful life," a you don't know what you got 'til it's gone theme. While Shrek is in his one day as an ogre romp he has to make Fiona fall in love with him again.

There is a line in the movie (yes, I realize I am quoting a cartoon ;) ) where Shrek says, the best part about today was I got to fall in love with you all over again. I have to admit I teared up at this. Later when we were leaving the theater my hubby asks if I cried. I said no, but I did tear up. He admitted he teared up too which is not something common for my man.

I guess my point is that we here in reality don't have the ability to relive our lives. We are in the present, no time travel option available. We need to look at every day and search to find the little things that make us fall in love again. With our friends, family and spouses. There are little things that annoy me to know end about my husband. I can probably make a whole list, but there are little things that I adore too.
I want to fall in love with him every day.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Kicking my ASS!!

So, I am starting this new workout regime. I am finished having kids and now determined to lose some weight... okay, a LOT of weight. I have 110 pounds to lose to be at my goal weight. I know I can do it, but it is so hard.

Against my own will I started today. I am doing Jillian Michaels' training. She is from the biggest loser. She had a weight problem in the past and her program is very straight forward. To lose weight burn more calories than you take in. Seems easy enough. Her circuit training is HARDCORE. I started today and wow... I am having trouble typing this because I am so shaky.

She starts off "easy." I didn't know how out of shape I was until I couldn't jumprope for 1 minute straight! I know it will get easier. I just hope that I don't fail AGAIN.

My hubby is trying to help. And that is great motivation. Anyone out there trying to do this too?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I love this topic because it just happens to fall right around my anniversary.

My husband and I have been married 7 years this past Monday. It reminds me of how our relationship started.

We met in July starting a new job together. By September we were dating. More out of necessity than readiness we moved in together in October. That was fast! I was panicking. Then in December we found out I was pregnant (while on birth control). I was only 19. This CANNOT be happening. My life was over. Paul didn't seem to be as worried as I was, but he is 5 years older. Maybe he was ready?

"What are we going to do?" I asked him. I completely thought an abortion was in the cards. I was too young to have a baby and not prepared. Obviously on birth control, I did not want to have a baby.

"We'll keep it and raise it together. We'll get married" he said.

WHAT?! No way. I am too young for all of this. And I don't want some guy I barely know to marry me out of obligation.

We stayed in a limbo for a while. I didn't say anything to him about what I was thinking. More and more, I fell in love with him.

We didn't tell our family either. I was too scared of my parents reaction to the news.

I decided to keep the baby. While I was waiting to make a decision I had bonded with my baby. I couldn't see it our feel it yet, but there was a bond. I told Paul that I wanted it. We started thinking of names. I told him I didn't want him to marry me out of obligation. He said he loved me. I loved him too.

We told our parents. They weren't thrilled, but happier when they found out we were getting married.

We went to Oklahoma to visit his family. That is where he officially proposed to me. With a ring he borrowed from his mom. He got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I cried and said YES!!!

Our wedding was small and thrown together last minute because our moms didn't want us getting married at the JOP. My mom walked me down the aisle (6 months pregnant) because my dad was deployed in Iraq.

When it came my turn to say "I do" I hesitated. I wasn't even aware of this, but watching the video later and hearing people's recollection of the wedding it was certain; I hesitated. I was worried that this was still out of obligation to the baby in my belly, not out of love. But, I said Yes!

We have been married ever since all because I chose "Yes." He is amazing and loving and cherishes me and the kids. I cannot even imagine what my life would be if I hadn't said YES.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I lust for time...

All I want is more time with you. Is that too much to ask? The kids are playing and screaming in the other room, but all I want is to lay here with you for a little while longer. I love to laugh and talk with you. I love to kiss you slowly and sweetly. Even the little "pecks" from your lips can send shivers down my spine. Just a little more time?

Let's just escape! Leave the kids with a friend or family and go. Remember when we took our cruise? We could rush to our room and make love whenever the urge took us... and it did frequently ;) Let's do that again.

I crave you. I just want to be lost in you... but time... time is not our friend. The kids are 20 feet away and we have responsibilities. So, lock the door and take advantage of me, of the 10 minutes that we can claim as ours. Take me and let me drown in you.

 I love you.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I always find it odd how an event can be so important, stuck in the front of someones mind, but another person who was there can barely recall the day. What made it so important to one and not the other?

 I have a friend from high school who remembers this day we went to Chicago. We lived in the suburbs so it wasn't a big deal, but we were without parents a group of us all driving by this point. So in that respect it was memorable. We went to FAO Schwartz. Up to this point I remember it all. Apparently, we tried on hats and played on the piano that you walk on. I cannot recall this. There are even pictures of us in the crazy hats!!! I look at them and haven't the faintest recollection. She remembers this time as fun and I can't even remember putting on the hats. What made that day so memorable for her, but not for me?

I had a similar situation the other night. My husband and I had our good friends over. We have know them for about 6 years now. We have boys that are close in age. We were listening to 80's music and I had this memory. We had been at a Christmas party about 4 years back for the place where our hubbies worked. At the time we didn't really know each other very well, but a song was played at the party. It was "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany. My friend and I were singing the song and basically had the same "dance moves." I started talking about this while they were over last week (maybe the music brought back the memory). Anyway, they had no recollection of the event. Even my husband didn't know what I was talking about! I think for me that was the first bonding moment for us. I hadn't ever spent time with her even though our husbands were always together. It was the start of our friendship.

Memory works in mysterious ways...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Happiness or Contentment?

Happiness: being delighted, pleased, glad
Contentment: satisfaction or ease of mind

My life has thrown me many curve balls. My husband and I had only known each other for four months (dating for two) when we found out I was pregnant with our daughter. Our son was also a surprise. There are times like those when I am dumbfounded and unhappy. I wasn't planning pregnancy or any of the many other things that have come my way, but I roll with it and they turned out to be some of my happiest moments.

Happiness is just that though... a series of moments. Am I happy right now? My son is napping (HAPPY!). The laundry is going (HAPPY!). I got a visit from a great friend (HAPPY!). So, I guess the answer would be yes. Tomorrow could be a different story.

Happiness seems to come and go, but what I really want in my life is contentment. I want satisfaction with my life. I want that ease of mind that I have done all that I can and my life is "good." We all set goals for ourselves, many of them forced on us by society.

My Life Plan

  • Finish High School
  • Go to College
  • Start Career
  • Get Married
  • Have kids
  • Make millions :)
Whoops!!! I haven't done many of those and the ones I did do were out of order. Was I happy with that... not really. I still don't have a college degree and my "career" is making money... no joke, I work to make money. If you know anyone who loves their job let me know ;).

Ok.. I am rambling. My point is people are too focused on being "happy." We need to be content. We need to have that satisfaction with our lives. I think that would make the happy moments come more often and be more noticeable.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Where did that come from??

I thought I would contribute another post to Courage for Momalom Five for Ten...

My mom is one of nine children. Her family life was not great and the kids ended up being people she didn't want in our lives. Out of her eight siblings we only saw two of her sisters on a regular basis. The rest of her siblings were in jail or leading lives full of drugs and crime. One of her sisters had a baby, but was unable to care for him. She raised him for about 10 years and was not a good mother. When he was about 12 my mom had him come live with us. She wanted to rescue him. She even talked to my dad about taking guardianship of him and having him live with us forever. I was about 7 or 8 at the time.

It didn't work out and he was sent back to his mother and our grandparents. I never knew why he was sent away.

When I was 20 I went to a Women of Faith conference with my mom. I don't really have any "faith" but it was a time to spend with my mom and other women and learn about them and their stories of life. One of the presenters was talking about being molested when she was a young girl. I broke down and started crying. Crying wasn't unusual in that type of venue because some of the stories were devastating. My mom knew that something else was wrong though and asked me why I was upset.

I told her for the first time that Nathan, the cousin who lived with us had molested me. He told me I couldn't tell anyone. I never had up to that point. My mom started crying and didn't know what to say. She hugged me and told me that Nathan had admitted to touching Melissa, my younger sister, but not me. Melissa had never told me and I was racked with guilt that I hadn't been there for her. We had both been carrying around a secret for over 10 years, but had never had the courage to tell each other.

To this day I still don't know where the courage came from to tell my mom that day. I think it came from her because she had the courage to stand up for us (even though she didn't know it was me) and to put herself in an awkward position with her family.

I still haven't been able to have a conversation with my sister about it. I think we both have to be ready and she isn't at that point yet. She is also two years younger than me and may not remember because she was so young. I had blocked out the abuse for so long that I can't even remember the exact time frame, my age, the length of time he was there with us. And I am still searching for the courage to forgive him...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Friendship is SCARY!

Courage: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Courage is an odd thing. We all have it, but it is so different for each of us. 

Why is it that some things are so easy for some and difficult for others? Do we have different "amounts" of courage? Are some of us just scared of everything in life? Courage is so personal. One thing that may seem completely silly to a person could be another person's worst fear. 

I have common fears that all mothers/spouses have. I fear my children will be harmed in some way emotionally or physically and I can't do anything to prevent it. I fear my husband will die before me. I try to tell myself these fears are silly. If something does happen I can't change it and death is inevitable. I try to have courage to not dwell on these things. When my daughter comes home from school saying someone was mean to her, I try to have courage to comfort her and not put ideas in her head for retaliation (that is hard :) ). 

I also have fears that are uncommon. I am afraid of getting old (maybe not so uncommon) even though I cannot change it. 

I am afraid of losing my friends. I was an Army brat and had to move every two to five years growing up. I learned how to make friends fast. Unfortunately, I also learned how to lose them fast. I have lived in the same town now for seven years. I have good friends, but if I moved away or stopped calling I don't think their world would stop. I don't have someone that I call whenever something amazing or heartbreaking happens. I wish that I did, but I don't have the courage to face rejection. My husband is there and "listens" as best he can, but there are some things that men just don't understand. My friends from school live all over the country and are in completely different phases of life than I am. We have lost touch and when we do talk it is about the weather and other awkward conversation staples. 

I guess the one thing I never learned was how to maintain a friendship. I wish I had the courage to learn. I am afraid to put myself out there and have no one reciprocate the feeling. 

I have all the courage in the world to meet new people, take care of my family and try new things. But asking someone to be my "bestie" crosses some barrier that I have put around myself. 

I am searching for a way to break that barrier and the courage to face what's on the other side. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Ahhhhh Naptime

I love nap time. I am just happy that my three year-old takes naps. I really wanted to join him today, but instead I ChaCha'd for some extra cash and did more laundry. It amazes me how hard kids can sleep. I moved him from the couch into his bed and he didn't even wake up. When do you think that stops? My six year-old is still like that too! It just baffles me.

My husband and I decided to go a whole month without any frivolous spending. We have budgeted to do a couple of family things. For example, we are all going to see Iron Man 2 on Saturday. Aside from that no spending. We are even going to try to clip coupons and see how that works. We also eat out frequently and we are stopping that too. It will be an interesting month. Hopefully we can adopt some of the changes we have made over the month into every month. We can probably save a lot of money.

I am reading Prisoner of Tehran. My friend Jennie (Post-Mommy) is also going to read it. I have a feeling that it is going to be very sad. I am only on chapter two.

My husband, Paul, and I are watching Lost too. We have never seen in and started from Season One on Netflix. We are completely addicted and halfway into Season Two now.

Time to turn the laundry over. :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Where is my motivation?

I have tons to do today, but no motivation to start. It seems like this is a common thing in my life. Today, for example, I need to clean my house. I have laundry and dishes to do. Piles of papers and bills to file. It just seems like it is the never ending job. When I finally crack down and do it I am only satisfied for 10 minutes because inevitably, my children will destroy everything I just did. I get so furious, but then I tell myself, "They are just kids... they are just kids." Kids like to play and make messes. It is an inconvenience to me, but I love to see them happy. 

I have seen those houses that are always immaculate. How do they do it?! It seems impossible to me. I work 40 hours a week, but at night, so I am home all day to clean. My house never looks like that. I don't have a drawer for everything or a closet or room. 

And what about time for the things that I want to do? Play a game, read a book, watch TV... Are there really people out there who can do it all? And if so, how do I learn to do it all. I feel like women are always striving for perfection. I want to be that perfect woman, but in the end do you get any satisfaction out of everything you accomplished? Or are you just tired?

To me, it seems that with everything pushing down on me I just lose motivation. I will never win the battle of the laundry or the dishes or the toys. I will never be perfect, so why even try? So, I go through the cycles of wanting to be the perfect woman and losing all motivation to even try to be a semi-perfect woman. 

How do perfect woman become perfect?